This is written to a friend of mine. Putting it as journal as I think it is the only fitting place. It’s not a dig at her. She’s been really nice to me recently and I’m so grateful for that just today I sensed something and I guess this is a long piece of writing that explains it all. One word ‘sorry’.

I’m sorry for having an opinion.

I’m sorry for not understanding.
I just don’t want to see some lad screw you over.

I wish you could just get over him.

I wish I didn’t have to listen to you moaning about him ‘cause I wish he didn’t give you reason to moan about him. I’d listen to you moan about him 24/7 if you’d tell me why. If you’d let me in.

But I don’t know why.

I know it’s not that easy for you to get over him. I know he’s hurt you. But you haven’t talked to me about it. I bet you think I’m a bitch because of what I wrote. I knew that what I was writing wasn’t fair. But it’s what I thought. And I thought it because I didn’t know anything about your relationship with him. To me it just seemed like nothing serious. I know I’m wrong because you’re so hurt. But I know nothing. So my uncontrolled judgment is based on nothing.

But do you not think that if you had have talked to me about it then I could have understood and not written what I did? That’s why I didn’t tell you about my opinion. Because I knew it was invalid. I knew it wasn’t a real opinion.

So I guess I’m sorry for having an uncontrolled opinion that was based on nothing.

I’m sorry for writing it down. I just had to release it.

But when did you care that I was hurt? When did any of you care when I was hurt? Yes, you came to me when I cried on the Monday at school. You came and cared for me but your care seemed cold and distant and after that one morning there seemed to be no more care from anyone.

Now you cant be happy that I’ve been with Dan for four weeks. I know it doesn’t seem like much. But it took me so much effort to put things right and you cant show just a little bit of emotion? All you can show are your sly remarks that hurt. It’s like a kid who is brought up with bad comments, and no nice ones. Okay so not extreme but the same effect. It makes me feel worthless. So if you cant be nice about things that mean a lot to me, why should I care about you? It’s because I care that I’m bothered. But I’m beginning to think you don’t at all.

I’m just thinking and you say you have some opinions about some stuff about me but you wont ever tell me what and you don’t act differently because of them. That’s cool. I didn’t act differently about my opinions it’s just you managed to find out what mine were in a sly way. It wasn’t my fault you read it. If you don’t like what you read, don’t fucking read it. It’s simple.

I guess we’re just as bad at times.

But this time I seemed to be the only one being blamed for my mistakes. Aren’t you making a mistake? Isn’t what you’re doing just as bad? I had an opinion, and yes I kept it from you, that was wrong, but I didn’t want to wrongly hurt you when I knew what I thought wasn’t a true opinion of mine. It’s hard to explain. But what’s your reason for reading this behind my back and using it to your advantage? Cheers mate. It’s a complete invasion of my privacy. I think you all have different rules for me. The ‘Emilie Rules’
Rule #1 Don’t care about her
Rule #2 She’s always wrong
Rule #3 Blame her for everything.

You see where they’re going? Yup, I’m the bad one. The insensitive, spiteful, self-centered girl. Don’t give a shit about me. Hate me. Just don’t play games with my mind. That’s sly. ‘Cause believe it or not, I care and I want my friends back, and back to how it used to be.

If you think I don’t care then why did I sit on the toilet seat next to ******* when I was afraid that she was cutting herself? ‘Cause I was bored? No. Because I was worried and I felt I had to do something, but there was nothing I could do.

So go write poetry about me. Slag me off. Pass notes in front of me, it’s not like I’ll notice. But all just because I have an opinion? So what? We all do. Do you want me to agree with everything you say just to keep the peace? I’m not going to kiss someone’s but. I’d rather be true to myself. Thank you very much.

So think I’m twisted. You’ll laugh at me for writing this. You could probably have the last laugh. But be happy with yourself.

Cause right now I’m sitting here and I want this lesson to be over. Sitting next to you is taking the piss, with your every sly comment, or am I just paranoid? If you read this then every word I’ve said is true, and hasn’t been wasted words, but it will make life at school a load of shit, as you’ll use my opinion right? This is all to do with my opinion isn’t it? And if you don’t read it then I guess you are non the wiser but I will have made peace with myself and justified my reason for having an opinion.

So I’m sorry for having an opinion.

I’m sorry for being me.

Really long and really pointless.

PREVIOUS STORY
Okay my friends and I used to go to Geno together. And then last month they went with Dan, my best mate. And they didn’t invite me. They say “People didn’t need an invite” but they asked MY best friend. And yes they were friends with him too but it seemed a little out of line if you understand.

At the time Dan and I were going through a really rough patch. I’d told him I wasn’t getting back with him and he thought I was moving on. That night he and Padge got a little close and he stopped over at hers after along with everyone else. That’s where the ‘Padge Language’ came from, ‘cause of him and her being close. But I wasn’t moving on and I wanted Dan back. Knowing what had happened between my best mate that I loved and Padge really hurt. Like REALLY hurt. And people said she was entitled to him. But I LOVED him. No one seemed to care how hurt I was and I just said, “It was my fault”. But does anyone really deserve that much?!

So a long time has passed since then. Padge and I are friends, Dan and I are going out.

THE PROBLEM
The next Geno is now approaching and it’s painful. Dan will probably go with my friends and he says I should go too. But it doesn’t seem right. Every possible scenario I go through doesn’t seem right.

SCENARIO 1:
I go with them.

PROBLEMS:
1. First thing, I said I wouldn’t go until it was Summer , but I guess the weathers nice now.
2. If I go I will feel out of place although it was me who first took them there. It’s like they’ve claimed it.
3. It would piss me off all night and the place is a constant reminder.
4. They’d all stop at Padge’s that night and either a) I wouldn’t be invited or b) If I was I’d have a race the next morning so I wouldn’t be able to.

SCENARIO 2:
Ask Dan not to go.

PROBLEMS
As much as I’d love to ask Dan not to go it wouldn’t be right. It’s not my place to ask that sort of thing and I wouldn’t be happy with myself for doing so. I can’t stop him from living a life just because I have issues with the past. It’s not on. I don’t want our relationship to be like that either. I’d be a bitch for doing that. I'd be giving up anf giving it. It’d be worse to ask him not to go than him actually going.

CONCLUSION
So I guess that leaves me with one thing … to ride this one out. I cant go, I cant get/ask him not to go. It’s my problem and I have to deal with it.

I’m just so worried because if anything kicks of with those two again, Geno will be the night. They may not kiss but you know when there’s that chemistry and it takes one night to realize it’s there and realize that you want it? I trust him. I don’t know if I trust her. I don’t trust my mates to stop her if it did happen. I know he’ll tell me nothing will happen. I know he’ll tell me he doesn’t want her and he wants me. I just know what feelings can do and how they can take control and you have no say, even when they go against what you really believed to be true. I’m scared ‘cause if there’s one chance of me losing him, Geno will be the night that that ball starts to roll.

I don’t know why I’m posting this on here. I’m sorry if you pointlessly read all this just had to get it off my chest.

P.S Sorry about lots of emoticons too.